My Big Fat Cuban Family

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At Long Last…

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Here in Southern California, the news came to us on Friday night, November 25th.

I’ve been chewing on everything that’s happened and taking in the scenes unfolding, particularly on social media, since that night.

That night began like any other around my home. 

My girls, along with some family and friends were settled in to watch the Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. It was going to be a six-hour-binge-watching-marathon-of-Gilmores party and we were ready with all the foods. 

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We were already halfway through the 2nd episode and on our fourth pass over our heavily laden table when I received a call from my sister. That was odd for her to be calling on a Friday night and made me a bit nervous.

Bad news seems to sneak up on you at weird times. Ask anyone who remembers where they were when they heard that John F. Kennedy had been shot. Or how they got the news of the Twin Towers being attacked. You never forget. 

And so it was when I asked my family to pause the episode we were watching so I could take the call. That, in itself was an odd thing. In our home, we don’t take calls while we’re together enjoying our family time. 

But I knew something was up and I was worried something had happened to my mom.

“Breaking news! she blurted out, Fidel is dead!” 

Wait. What? I sat there, blinking stupidly for a minute. She did not have to spell out which Fidel she was referring to. There is only one who’s death would warrant an excited late night call.

I relayed the news to the rest of the fam and we cheered and then quickly pulled out phones and tablets to verify. By the way, Twitter knows everything as it’s happening in real time, but that’s not important right now. 

It was true. Fidel, was dead. And on Black Friday, too. The irony was not lost on me. I had too many words and not enough.

It’s difficult sometimes to describe what it was like growing up in a Cuban exile family. Yes, the word is exile. We left our country grudgingly in 1961. “Until this thing with Castro blows over,”  my dad would say. Our exile would only be temporary. 

For those that find that word “exile” difficult to comprehend, the living of it was doubly hard. We left a home and place and people we loved. Because of Fidel. Destroyer of Families. 

Verdes Sisters, circa 1961

Me & my sisters. This is our “Welcome to America” photo. 1961

Fidel was larger than life. “El Caballo,” he called himself. And he was present in every Cuban home, at every Cuban dinner table for years and years and years. 57 to be exact. Fidel. Uninvited Guest.

He was the reason we fled the comforts of our beloved homeland. He was the reason we never saw our tightly-knit family again. He was the reason we had to struggle to begin a new life, in a new country, and learn a new language, and assimilate into a new culture. Fidel. Divider in Chief.

He was the reason for people disappearing from their homes at all hours. He was the reason for all the misery. Can you imagine people being in so much despair to get a decent meal and a way to have a normal life that they risked everything and took to the sea in homemade rafts? So many of those lives ended in watery graves. Fidel was the reason. Fidel. Creator of Despair.

We never even bothered to say his last name. There was only one Fidel. The Cause of All Misery was known by one name. 

It was a sad thing when we had Cuban cousins visit years later. I’m talking about the 90’s now and even one who visited last year. Even here, at my own dinner table, in the safety of my Southern California home, they would not even mention “The Name.” They pantomimed pulling on their chin, so afraid were they to name his name. Fidel. Author of Terror and Fear.

Ay, Fidel. You brought so much despair and division to so many lives. Years later your malevolent presence was still being felt in my home in Mission Viejo. Fidel. Thief of Lives.

But then on Friday we got the news. Fidel is dead! 

Surreal was the first word that came to mind. We now live in a world where Fidel doesn’t exist. And for Cubans this is a cause of great celebration. It was not the communist government that ruined our lives – of course, it truly was – but behind it all was Fidel. Fidel changed the course of so many lives. Fidel. Mastermind of Destruction.

I called my mom, Luza who is 102 years old. “Mami! Fidel murio!” (“Fidel is dead!) She took a moment. In recent years she has taken to saying she forgives him for everything. I think she’s becoming more and more aware of her own mortality and doesn’t want to enter into eternity with grudges. I love that about her. 

Slowly and thoughtfully she said, “Mira cuantas vidas jodio. Tendra mucho que explicarle a Dios.” (“Look at how many lives he’s ruined. He will have much to explain to God.”) Then she crossed herself. Fidel. Outlived and Forgiven by Luza. 

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4 Generations.

I have been reveling right along with the many thousands of Cubans who took to the streets of Miami waving their Cuban and American flags and banging on their pots and pans. It’s not that we are celebrating the death of a person so much as the End of A Terrible Evil. Fidel. The Bane of the Cuban People. 

Photo from Versailles Facebook Page. The sun sets on a historic day. #LaCasaDelExilio ?: @NirView

Reading eulogies and remembrances of him, I’ve been struck that so many left out the descriptive words: dictator, murderer, tyrant. I have way too many adjectives to even list.

His apologists tout the access to healthcare and the rate of literacy in Cuba as if that could somehow make up for the lives he destroyed and the many who have been tortured and continue to this day to rot in his dreadful prisons. Or the many who lost their lives by firing squads or trying to flee the terrible regime. My dad used to always comment that there are many countries – the United States being the leading one – that have healthcare and literacy without having created a gulag. Fidel. Comunista de Mierda.

Ah, my Dad. This is the bittersweet moment. He waited a lifetime, as did so many Cubans, to see the Fall of Fidel. Fidel Castro is dead. But I did not get to call Papi to give him the news and celebrate and watch him smoke his celebratory cigar. That’s when the tears came for me. Fidel. Thief of Joy.

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My life, thankfully, has been charmed. My family of origin left our island home and managed to stay together and thrive here in the U.S. I’m so very proud to be an American citizen. My life and my family’s legacy continues. 

Many others were not as lucky. I have aunts, uncles, and cousins still living in Cuba. They are still being controlled in what they can do and where they can go and what they can think in their island prison. 

This week they are in Mandatory Mourning. The state dictates that they must do this and so they do. The images that you see of Cubans crying because Fidel is dead is probably mingled with fear and hope. Fidel. Master of Propaganda.

What will his death mean for the people of Cuba? Time will tell. At long last, the Cuban people can close the chapter on the last half century of brutality. I am hopeful for change, but I don’t expect anything to change overnight. However, I do know one thing for sure:

History will not absolve him. 

Get out the pots and pans, my friends. The death of this tyrant must be celebrated. Fidel. Dead Dictator.

Marta Darby. Cuban blogger

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Thank you for your thoughts , you made me laugh, cry at the enormity of it all then laugh again . You story is so much like my families as I imagine most are !
    Keep writing about your Cuban family it’s s pleasure to read.

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  4. Aye sister fidel outlived my parents but not their memories of a free and beautiful Cuba. We too had to flee in 1961, I was barely a year old. We lived in New Jersey and Los Angeles. I’m now in San Francisco.
    Your words are a welcome to my ears. Yes he is finally gone and my parents can be at peace.
    Alfredo

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  5. Your honesty and candor made me smile, and cry. I’ve known you for what, 50 yrs? God bless your family, may you and yours continue to prosper ?

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  6. I have only visited cuba in my heart and in my mind. My grandmother spent countless hours telling me the most wonderful stories about cuba. Even though i was born here i felt the heartache. With family still in cuba i saw her pain her broken heart. I knew she left part of herself there as well. I too would have loved to give her the news. To bang the pots and pans just like new year. I really enjoy your stories, thank you!

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  7. Thank you Marta. Your words are my words and that of most Cuban exiles. It took me till the next morning to breakdown in hysterical sobbs from deep down in my soul. My americano held me. I didn’t have my mami or papi to call or celebrate with. I stopped reading the things being said about el comunista de mierda because we all know and lived the truth and they don’t. Your mami’s thoughts were mine. Thank you mi hermana ❤️????

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  8. The first thing I thought was..my God it’s about time. The SOB outlived most of an entire generation of Cubans that he conned into believing that he was going to rid the Country ofBatista’s corrupted government…my father and his brothers were a hand ful of those young men that believed Fidel was going to offer democratic elections. I don’t feel guilty at all about my feelings…I hope he rots in hell!!!

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  9. My dad and grandparents also sadly did not live to see the day. My mom did at least. We left in 1966. Like you I have godparents and family there. We need to speak ou and loudly so that history does not forget the evil that was Fidel. Gracias for your post.

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  11. Well said Marta!!! Cuba is in mourning and not even the radio stations can’t say Good morning or Good night. No one can drink beer, have a party or turn music on. It is definitely a DICTATORSHIP with capital letters. We should have mourning and a ceremony for all the cuban people who have been assesinated, died in prison, hunger strikes, and have died at the bottom of the ocean trying to escape because those lives are more valuable and decent to us and to God!! VIVA CUBA LIBRE Y SIN LOS CASTROS!!

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  13. Your words brought tears to my eyes MARTICA !!!! My parents are not physically here to celebrate the death of this dictator, tyrant, soulless monster but I know they are celebrating in heaven as I write this. Luza is blessed to be able to enjoy this day!!!!! Only God knows what we Cubans felt when we left everything behind to start a new life in this great country. But now we can yell. FIDEL IS DEAD….QUE LE DEN CANDELA!!!!!
    VIVA CUBA LIBRE!!!!! ABAJO LOS CASTROS!!!!!

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  14. As I was reading your comments about the death of Fidel, it was as if I was reading my own life story. I found out early Saturday morning on Facebook, I live in Maryland where there are no Cuban neighborhoods as it is in the South of Florida. Saturday was a day of euphoria then came Sunday and after I read a tribute that a friend of mine wrote to her late father just as your father and mine who waited for the fall or death of Fidel, the tears started to roll down my face thinking about all the atrocities this man committed and how much I hated him and how much I wanted him dead and don’t know how to forgive him even while sitting and praying at church.
    Time will tell what the future of Cuba will be, for now all we can do is vindicate those who left us waiting for this and move on with our lives.
    I have one of your posters hanging on my kitchen wall and needles to say the dinner menu of this week has been mostly Cuban food celebrating our heritage and the death of the worst dictator ever born who drove his country to poverty, hunger and misery while he died a millionaire.

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  15. Thank you for this. I was born in the States but my father and half of his family are exiles. I have never been to Cuba but still feel that missing piece of me…that has made it hard to fit in… we are guardedly happy about this new chapter for Cuba, but I’ve been dismayed by some of my friends on social media touting him as a hero. Can you point me to some cogent sources they consult so they can be educated? I figured the Amnesty and Human Rights watch page would suffice but these people need stats and figures to put into context. I really want to shit these people up!! Anyway, thank you again and congratulations to your family 🙂

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  17. Thank you for sharing our feelings. I am glad his end has come. Viva Cuba….espero verte en Libertad. Que descansen en paz todos los que no estan presente y especialmente aquellas almas que fallecieron por tu inmensa maldad.

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  18. As another southern California Cuban who fled the tyranny of he-who-shall-not-be-named, I applaud you. I couldn’t have said it better myself. ¡Viva Cuba libre! Ojalá.

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    • CON TODO RESPETO PARA LAS OPINIONES ANTERIORES QUISIERA QUE ME PUDIERAN ENTENDER,MI QUERIDA FAMILIA ,PUES TODOS SOMOS HERMANOS POR LA GRACIA DE DIOS,YO PIENSO QUE NO PODEMOS DECIR TODAVIA QUE CUBA ES LIBRE MIENTRAS EXISTA UN SOLO RASGO DE LOS HERMANOS CASTRO Y SU MAQUINARIA ASESINA Y COMUNISTA , EL DIA QUE ESE SISTEMA NO ESTE EN CUBA ENTONCES PODREMOS GRITAR DESDE LO MAS PROFUNDO DE NUESTRO CORAZON ” VIVA CUBA LIBRE” Y VER NUESTRA BANDERA ONDEAR LIBRE Y SOBERANA Y CANTAR EL HIMNO QUE DE NINOS NOS ENSENARON EN LA ESCUELA A LA BANDERA Y LA PATRIA.
      FLOTA AL AIRE LA ALEGRE BANDERA
      ENTRE GRITOS DE PAZ Y ARMONIA
      YA ERES LIBRE Y FELIZ PATRIA MIA
      LIBRE YA DEL DOMNIIO OPRESOR. PIDAMOS A DIOS POR ESTE GRAN MILAGRO PARA NOSOTROS LOS CUBANOS. LA PAZ DEL SENOR ESTE CON TODOS USTEDES.

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  21. Dearest Martica, Tu voz y pensamientos me han dado un caso de ojos llorosos, pero de tal manera, que casi no puedo cesar. Que viva Cuba libre!

    I am truly beside myself with joy over the death of Fidel and yet, I am likewise not convinced that much will change on the island. But, it is indeed the end of an era; it provides a glimmer of hope.

    I agree with your assertion, that the truth about Fidel was not called out in the eulogies and stories. It is, unfortunately, mere ignorance; a lack of knowledge. We seem to gloss over those facts with other countries and their leaders, around the world: China, Russia, etc.

    My wife was born in North Carolina and grew up in this country and although she is quite brilliant, she had little intimate knowledge about the “revolution” and communism. We have spoken on several occasions and at great length on that subject: How he destroyed families; turned children against their own parents by brainwashing them; murdered siblings, wives, husbands and children, all in an effort to squash dissent and bring every citizen on the island under his thumb. She viewed Fidel quite differently after that.

    Keep writing. Keep sharing. Keep OUR Big Fat Cuban Family in front of others.

    Thank you, as always, for sharing your life.

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  23. I think all you say is true but we must remember that Fidel was helped by many Cuban people to overthrow Baptista why because they ‘thought’ they had the right guy this time. Do not let history repeat itself!!

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  24. I love you……………………. VIVA CUBA LIBRE.. VIVA EL EXILIO CUBANO……….. MAS VIVO QUE NUNCA………..

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  26. You’re an outstanding writer. That night I was already in bed in my San Diego home. I was trying to fall asleep and when I couldn’t, I picked up my iPad to FB and saw a post, “Miami, wake up!” I started seeing posts from my Cuban family and friends. Thank God I was able to experience that night. The next morning, I went to visit my mom in hospice and gave her the news. I’m so thankful that at 81, she was able to outlive the “bestia,” as she called him. I videotaped both her and my 85 year old mother-in-law. Great moment. We also left Cuba in 1961. I was 4. He certainly destroyed many lives. Because of him, I was fatherless. Boy, do we have stories of our parents’ struggles. I lived them. Living in LA with holes in my tennie shoes but very free. Yes, very free.

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  27. Querida Marta, gracias por compartir nuestra cultura y esas manificas recetas de nuestra cocina criolla. En particular agradezco las versiones adaptadas a la tecnologia de cocina actual, como el “slow cooker” Esta ha sido una semana de emociones encontradas para mi; mi primeira biznieta nacio el dia de Thanksgiving–algo mas por lo cual dar Gracias; y el perverso de Fidel Castro murio, algo que he esperado por tanto tieimpo. Yo vine a los Estados Unidos de Cuba en 1962 con 14 anos de edad, y mi hermano menor de 9–solos. Gracias a Dios mi madre se pudo reunir con nosotros en Junio de 1963. No hay mucho que puedo anadir a tu descripcion de Fidel, tan exacta. Para mi lo mas doloroso ha sido ver como tantas personas que nunca han visto de cerca el sufrimiento y el dolor de nosotros los cubanos, no se han cansado de alabar a Fidel como un adalid de los derechos civiles los negros y de exterminar la discriminacion de los mismos en Cuba, de la libertad porque ayudo a Angola y se enfrento con el “imperialismo” de los Estados Unidos–cuando el ha atropellado todo eso en Cuba, ademas de arruinar la economia cubana.

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  28. I love your read! I laughed, and shared your joy! Still do but i also share your hurt. My grandparents and mom came to yhe U.S in the early 70’s when my mom was 5. I never thought my grandmother would see the day que el singao ése estirará la pata! But she did. I spoke to her the next day over the phone (because i now live in SC and she is still in Miami) there was my joy! But i heard her pain because even though my mom and my two oldest daughter’s were visiting, and my entire family is there to celebrate, my grandfather unfortunately was not. But i know my viejito is up there in heaven banging his pots and pans. When my husband paused our bing of Supernatural episodes to tell me that the devil has returned to Hell. I couldn’t believe it! I read the news, threw on some Willy Chirino and for the first time in almost 2 yrs of marriage my gringito saw his wife get down to her Cuban roots! And bless him and his entire family. They all called me to share the joy and my husband went and bought me my favorite drink to mix (amerreto sours) and I made your famous arroz imperial! ( my husbands new found addiction lol ) all while my youngest is looking at me like wth? Mommy you okay? I was born in the U.S. but i visited Cuba right after my 10th birthday. That’s an experience i can and never will forget. Besitos des de Greenville, SC!

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  29. Honest and to the point.
    You rode the thought-waves of many Cubans, like me, who spent over 50 years “en el exilio”…making a life in this country who welcomed us…but never forgetting.
    Like you, my mom lived to see the day…my dad did not…
    Nuestro dia, como dijo Willy, llego!
    Miriam

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  30. Thank you for your poignant words. They represent the heart of many of us Cuban exiles. I left the island at the tender age of five with my mother in 1960. My father was one of the fortunate ones that escaped Fidel’s firing squads and left in1959. An American pilot flew himand a few others in a clandestine flight to Key Largo. He was 33. I am blessed to have them both alive and able to share in the celebration. Yes, Fidel is dead! Se jodio el caballo! Praying for change and freedom for our people. They have been though enough.

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  31. Amen. I enjoyed reading your blog. It brought tears to my eyes when you mentioned about your papi. Praying for a positive change for Cuba. thank you

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  32. I’m crying over here. Yes. All this yes. I too felt the sting of not being able to share it with my Papi by only 10 days. Well written, my friend. Thank you for sharing.

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  33. Marta – Forgive the lateness of this comment….I came across this email and realized I had never read it. Your words are powerful and moving, and I feel like I am reading live history. I personally did not understand or realize the depth of fear, anguish, pain and ruin that Fidel caused. Thank you for enlightening story, and opening up your heart and feelings.

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  34. My late husband, who’s mother was from Havana, said he had one ambition left- to outlive Fidel-they were born the same year. He did’nt achieve his goal, but I am sure that while he is in heaven, Fidel is’nt.
    Next year in Havana.

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