I can tell you now that it's over.
I've been smack dab in the throes of a "cancer scare" for the past three weeks. Three weeks! That's a long time to sit in this weirdness of wondering if I am okay.
But it turns out that I am OKAY.
It's amazing how a few words were able to completely freeze all my thought processes. In my case the scary words that have been echoing in my brain and rattling my soul were: "growth" and "suspicious" and "biopsy."
And so I've been waiting. Waiting impatiently for lab results that could change my life.
I've been a little catatonic too. Not completely present as I went about the regular business of my life with a giant question mark hanging there in the back of my head like a stupid, giant chandelier.
How did I feel? Don't know. Can't say.
I felt. . . NOTHING. No emotion. Not even a coherent thought traveling through my brain. Numb. Yes. That's it. I felt numb.
Lethargic. Apathetic. I didn't want to do anything. I wasn't even hungry. No, thanks, I don't want to watch a movie. Or read a magazine. Or start a book, or even eat food. Chocolate? No, thank you. My taste buds seemed to have checked out along with my opinions and my sense of humor. (Which made me think that I would make a really rotten and uninspiring cancer patient, but then technically I really shouldn't even be thinking about what it might be like because, really, why borrow trouble, you know? But that's not important right now.)
Finally the letter arrived and I learned a new word with the magical power to cancel my fears: BENIGN.
Ah, sweet relief!
So what was the first thing I did? I wept.
And wept. Big, fat, sloppy, runny-nose, gasping-for-air, God-you-look-awful tears of relief.
Then I kissed my husband and hugged my kids. Tightly.
And then I ran to Target.
And got some stuff to celebrate the sweet, sweet ordinariness and lovely predictability of my every day life. =D
ADDED 2/5/09: I am both humbled and deeply touched by your amazing outpouring of love and support. The Cuban blogosphere is nothing to be trifled with! Thank you all for letting your presence be known by your comments and thanks also to those of you who sent greetings via email. I'm proud to know you!